Blog Post #10: My Mental Health Past and Vipassana Meditation…My permanent ticket out of depression, anxiety, PTSD and negative habits

~ T

Read time: 10-15 minutes

TLDR:

  • I’ve had mental health challenges for the past 12 years
  • I tried many different therapies and left home in order to figure out my life
  • Happiness and frustrations don’t come from outside, but inside
  • Vipassana meditation changed my life and I hope it will change yours too 🙂 – completely FREE (accommodations, food etc. – all paid for by past students)
  1. Introduction:
  2. Background – My Mental Health Past:
  3. The Therapies/Things I Did to Make Myself Happier:
  4. My Next Idea – “I’m just not in the right place or surrounded the right people!”
  5. Bingo – It’s not outside, it’s inside:
  6. Vipassana Meditation – Barcelona, Spain
  7. What is Vipassana and How it Works:
  8. FAQ/Hesitations (and possibly yours too?)
  9. The Changes in My Life
  10. My Future Plans:
  11. Final Thoughts:

Introduction:

Hello Readers,

This post is going to tell you about a technique that truly changed my life. I was hesitant to share this because I don’t want people to think I’ve joined a cult or religious sect, but it’s made such a permanent impact, that I don’t want it to be left unsaid just because I’m concerned about how I’ll be viewed.

TLDR: there’s no easy solution, no magic pill, no perfect person…it’s all inside. Unhappiness comes from inside which also means that you can also make yourself happy if you know how and work hard :).

Background – My Mental Health Past:

I wanted to give a little bit of background on my struggles in the past and present. When I was 20 years old (12 years ago), I was diagnosed with depression. I was in university and my ego and sense of self was completely shattered. I used to being the perfect A+++ student and, when I couldn’t meet those expectation of myself or keep up that image, I fell into difficulties. I began having thoughts of self-harm and had to take leave from university. Thankfully, I had the wonderful support of my family, psychiatrists and therapies which got me back to feeling normal again. I was in remission a couple years later though fearful that I’d slip back again if anything upset my balance.

Fast forward a few years and I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I’d had a challenging childhood and those struggles were making themselves known. I had to take leave from work, but again with different therapies, was able to become somewhat me again.

While I felt like me, I noticed that I was still frustrated by little day to day things and couldn’t let things go. I was frustrated with my parents for my childhood even though they’d changed dramatically and are now very different people. I was fearful of being harmed (PTSD), scared of making mistakes at work that might harm others (I work as a pharmacist) and it upset my day if someone gave me a response or glance which I considered rude. I knew on an intellectual level that I couldn’t change the past or how others’ viewed me, but it didn’t stop the thoughts from coming.

The Therapies/Things I Did to Make Myself Happier:

I trialled a lot of different therapies over the past 12 years and I’m not here to say that any of them are bad. In fact, all of them helped me in some way and some I still even use today (ie. healthy eating, Marie Kondo cleaning, exercise…). They each have their own benefit, but none took out the root of my problems.

  • Medication: escitalopram, bupropion, lorazepam, quetiapine, zopiclone
  • Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
  • Yoga (Hatha, Yin, Flow etc.)
  • Meditation: Guided by different apps, RAIN
  • Self-Compassion
  • Self-Help Books: The Happiness Project, Self-Compassion, The Gifts of Imperfections, The Road Less Travelled etc.
  • Marie Kondo’d my living space
  • Religion – went to a Christian church and attended services
  • EMDR (for PTSD)
  • Counselling x 5 years
  • Journalling
  • Art Therapy, group therapies
  • Diet changes: vegetarian, vegan, keto, paleo
  • Exercise: HIIT, group and solo exercises, tae kwon do

My Next Idea – “I’m just not in the right place or surrounded the right people!“

There have been several of you that asked why I began travelling and here it is. I was unhappy and believed that the cause of my unhappiness was because of 4 reasons: I was surrounded by the wrong people, I had the wrong job and I was in the wrong country and I didn’t get the chance to travel in my 20s.

I left home (Vancouver, Canada) July 2023 with the intention of seeing the world and finding myself. I travelled through 12 countries in Europe, met wonderful people, saw every site I wanted to, ate anything I wanted but alas, something was still missing. I still felt dead inside. I didn’t want to feel this way and also, I was still feeling resentful towards my family and not ready to go home. (Sorry family for contacting you only every month with a “hello, I’m alive” text).

Why was I still unhappy with all the freedom in the world?

Bingo – It’s not outside, it’s inside:

Well. great…This is going to be fun.

To cut a long story of how I tried to go inside on my own (but it still didn’t fully work) short, I was thankful to meet a traveller who had learned Vipassana Meditation and recommended the course to me.

Thank you Tom – I’m forever grateful.

Vipassana Meditation – Barcelona, Spain

I took my first course in Barcelona at the Vipassana Meditation Center called Dhamma Neru. There was 60 of us – 30 females and 30 males. The course for all new students is a 10 day silent meditation retreat. All food is provided and you just need to meditate, eat and sleep.

I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy. It was painful both mentally and physically. I cried on the first day and almost every day, but by the end, I had such amazing clarity. Something had clicked – my trauma was in the past.

What is Vipassana and How it Works:

Vipassana meditation is a very specific type of mindfulness meditation that focuses on observation and acceptance of body sensations at the present moment. Breathing is fast, then it’s fast. Breathing is short and shallow, it’s short and shallow. Currently my arm is painful, then it’s painful.

Everything that we feel through our 5 senses or the thoughts that we have, generates a feeling in our body – pleasant or unpleasant. The unconscious mind reacts to these sensations and we respond with craving or aversion.

  • Something unpleasant happens (e.g. someone cuts us off while driving, we think about a future stress or past stressful event etc.), it feels uncomfortable and thus we try to avoid it. It doesn’t go away and thus we’re unhappy or seek comfort. We distract ourselves – watch Youtube, listen to music, chat with friends, exercise. We use stimulation to relax and get out of it.
  • Something pleasant happens (e.g. delicious food, nice memory, someone gives us a compliment etc.), it generates a happy feeling and we want it to continue. We keep chasing and eventually when it doesn’t last, we become unhappy.

This all made sense at an intellectual level before Vipassana, but it didn’t help to change my behaviour at the present time. I was still upset with my family for the past and also my default reaction was still very reactive. Vipassana meditation helps to teach oneself to observe sensations as they are with the understanding that it will change. Pleasant or unpleasant, all will come and go. Overtime, with no reacting, these negative habit patterns and thoughts get dissolved and removed because the unconscious mind realizes that it is no longer important. The habit pattern becomes deconditioned. In the end, after all the fog of doubts, animosity and hatred are gone, all that’s left is happiness and compassion.

**Edit – May 2025** “Purifying the mind” is the terminology they use in the course. In my first couple courses I used to roll my eyes when this language was used, but now I can truly say it’s happening to my mind. The flashbacks are fading and don’t last as long, the distractibility and boredom have diminished, my anger is softening and I’m becoming more patient, more compassionate and generous to others.

FAQ/Hesitations (and possibly yours too?)

FAQ/HesitationMy Thoughts Now
“I’m going to become a nun/monk after this” Hilarious, but no. I still want to live as an average person. I’m just not so afraid of losing what I have
It’s religiousWhen people think of Buddhism, they think of the statue of Buddha and people bowing down/lighting incense/praying etc. While rooted from the Buddha’s teachings, Vipassana meditation is 3 things: morality, concentration and wisdom. What is religious about being moral? What is religious about concentrating your mind by focusing on the breath? And wisdom? That’s just feeling sensations on the body…everyone can do this 🙂
Meditation retreats are too costly Vipassana meditation courses when taught properly are always FREE! You’re not even allowed to donate until after you have completed the course. The teachers are not paid and those who clean/cook/administrate are all volunteers. All money goes directly to the centres’ maintenance and food for future students.
I have too many thoughts to meditateEveryone has lots of thoughts, but over the first 3 days, they’ll go down and you’ll learn to meditate regardless of the thoughts. The current habit pattern of our mind is churn out thoughts…once I learned to observe body sensations and remain equanimous with the understanding of change, the thoughts went down too or disappear faster.
Why is a course 10 days long?“Vipassana is not a treatment, it’s a lifestyle” – An Ancient Path by Dr. Paul Fleischman

Meditation is taught over 10 days because this technique is to be used in daily life. If we only practice in ideal conditions (i.e. mind is calm, it’s quiet, stomach is full and well rested), then the meditation won’t be accessible in daily life when life hits the fan. In 10 days, you’ll experience, drowsiness, anger, hunger, sadness etc. Learning to meditate in these different states means that when they happen in life, you’ll be able to use the meditation practice to help you.
I can’t sit for so longYou build up to sitting for longer periods – the teachers give great guidance
I have chronic pain and can’t sit for long periodsCool. Write it in your form and they give you accommodations to make you more comfortable.

(As a side note, I found that overtime, my chronic pain also disappeared.)
I’m not depressed or anxiousThat’s totally fine. I wasn’t clinically depressed or anxious when I began practicing vipassana, but I received so many other benefits that really helped me in life. Life is full of ups and downs – someone will die, we’ll get sick or hurt etc. This meditation will help to smooth over these downs in life.
I’m not allowed to practice this as it’s not part of my religionWhat’s religious about the teachings to to live a moral life, concentrate your mind with the focusing on the breath or feel sensations on the body?
If I stop reacting to sensations, won’t I just stop caring, feeling happy and not want to eat or drink? This was one thought that really puzzled me before; however, now I can say that I misunderstood. I still notice sensations, but now I can choose more consciously how I react and I don’t become as frustrated when things don’t go as planned.
Won’t I stop being who I am and just be completely zen in the end? I don’t want to lose who I am. **2025 Edit: I’m still me. I’m just now way happier, more calm, more peaceful, less anxious, less fearful, more controlled, less distracted, less bored, more productive etc. etc. etc.

The Changes in My Life

The ChangeComments
Less stress eatingI would eat even though I was full because I was stressed and feeling uncomfortable. I’m less likely to fall into this habit now because I have better control of my mind.
Increased productivity Wow! Am I ever productive now. With less brain fog and doubts interfering with my thoughts, I’m able to work so much more efficiently.
Less fear of public speakingLess fear about how I’m being viewed by others. Also when I become nervous, I stop reacting to the feeling and it naturally goes away
More self-confidence and independenceIt feels absolutely amazing to know that I can handle the ups and downs of life on my own. I like knowing that I can help myself through difficult situations and not have to rely on external sources of comfort. Not that external sources are a bad thing, just that they might not be available when I need them (i.e. the person I normally chat with is busy or the yoga class doesn’t fit my schedule)
More decisiveness/Ability to make decisionsI used to ruminate whether I was making the right decision and even after I’d make the decision, I’d question whether it was right. This has significantly decreased and my mind is much clearer.
Needing approval from others has decreasedEasier now to do what I think is right rather than what I think will make others approve of me. However, it’s not a thought of I don’t care what others think and a resentful feeling. It’s more peaceful.
Less procrastination/less distractibilitySuper important for ADHDers, but I realized recently for myself that the reason I’m easily distracted or can’t do a task is because the task makes me feel uncomfortable, it’s overwhelming or I want it to be perfect. Distractibility was (and still is to some extent) my body’s way of protecting myself.
So much more time for connecting with others and do things I want to do. With less need for distraction, I’ve stopped watching so much Netflix. I have so much more time now to connect with people who I’ve lost touch with in the past and also I can now have capacity to maintain contact with those in my life.
Improved Sleep!! (less insomnia and need for 8+ hours/night)I was someone who believed I needed 10+ hours of sleep per night to function and when I didn’t get it, I would become anxious. It’s true…I did need it back then because so much of my energy was spent being resentful, scared or anxious about the past/future. What I know now is that even with 6 hours, I can still function (with some naps if needed). You can read about my recent sleep deprevision situation here: Blog Post #25: The Transition Back to Reality After 1.5 Years Away – Effects of Vipassana
Came off of my anti-anxiety and insomnia medicationsUsed to be on and off anxiety medication for the past several years and taking insomnia medication for the past 12. I was fearful of not getting enough sleep because I felt anxious, but now I know that if I don’t get enough sleep and feel uncomfortable, that I can still handle it. I’ll just get more sleep or meditate and feel better later.

Btw this is not to say you should come off your medications after a 10 day retreat, but it is possible over time.
and lastly: I can finally move onFor so long I was resentful to my family for the past. Now though, we have such a positive relationship. I love spending time with them, chatting with them on video calls to just hear about what’s going on in their life.

My Future Plans:

People have also asked me what I’m going to do for the next year while travelling and to me it’s very clear. Vipassana meditation does and will help me clear my old thinking patterns and stresses, but it’s a lifestyle change, not a treatment. There is no easy fix, no magic pill.

To ensure that I keep this practice up, I’m going to establish this habit of meditation by practicing vipassana in different countries for the next year then I’ll head home. I’ll still be travelling for fun too though! Hello Korea, Japan, Thailand, India! Side notes aside, even though I understand myself better, I also know that if I go home now, I will very likely fall into bad habits of being resentful and easily stressed and forget about meditating. The relationship I have now with my family and myself is too important that I will risk it before I am strong enough to face the regular pressures of life. That’s not to say though that you have to give up one year of your life to figure this out. This is just my approach and I have the time so why not?

Final Thoughts:

I really hope that if you have the chance to try Vipassana Meditation and that you will give it a trial. It’s only 10 days of your life for perhaps a lifetime of happiness for yourself and those around you. We cannot change others, only ourselves. Change ourselves and the change in others will naturally follow (truly…it’s CRAZY how much others have changed too!).

I wish you all such love and happiness.

Tracy

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