Blog Post #29: Course Experiences as a Vipassana Server – Tears, Laughter and Many Life Long Learnings

Read time: 16 minutes

TLDR:

My services had many challenges, but were hands down some of the best times in my life.
Give service…try it and see how your life will change!

Background:

Hello Readers,

This post is being written from beautiful Malaysia on a train from Ipoh to Kuala Lumpur. I’m currently on route to Dhamma Malaya – the Vipassana Centre in Gambang in order to serve a course and a couple work periods.

For those who are unfamiliar with vipassana meditation, the courses are completely free and run on the donations of past students. The students sitting a course do nothing but meditate, sleep, keep themselves clean and eat while tasks of cooking, cleaning and organizing etc. are done by servers (i.e. old students). This beautiful combination allows students who are sitting to only focus on learning the meditation and servers get the benefit of giving back as someone did for them.

Honestly, there’s so much to talk about with why I love serving so much (currently on course…urr…6 now? Can’t remember) so I’ll try my best to cover some of the key points taken from my own experience.

Developing Awareness of My Ego:

Our egos are always with us and mine is pretty strong. It’s lead me to a lot of suffering in the past especially when I was no longer able to be a perfect student after high school. I fell into depression and had to take a break from studying as I couldn’t handle the lack of identity. Besides my own depression, it also lead me to not be so kind to others as I held onto views that “I” was right.

My mom’s well used phrase: “Tracy, you’re not always right you know?”

Related:

Blog Post #10: My Mental Health Past and Vipassana Meditation…My permanent ticket out of depression, anxiety, PTSD and negative habits

1st Course – Hong Kong

I’d like to start off by saying that after my first course, I thought I was all shiny. I came out with this buzz knowing that I had finally found the practice I’d been looking for. Also, I felt like nothing could bother me. I felt like a superhuman with all this equanimity and awareness that nothing could bother me.

(Let me also tell you that this meditation is focused on developing awareness that EVERYTHING changes. The irony that I was upset that I was not longer so equanimous and perfect is not lost on me. )

Skip forward 2 months and I arrived in Hong Kong ready to begin my first service. I was so excited! I was going to be a server and I was going to be so equanimous. Things would be smooth, we would have so much fun. I would be so strong. (Lols for those who don’t know, equanimity slowly develops over time with each sit and serve).

Jokes on Me! I’m so NOT Equanimous.

I think you know where this is going. I began reacting left, right and centre. Morning start was early and each morning I woke up with unpleasant sensations and thoughts of “UGH I FEEL TERRIBLE. ALL I WANT IS TO SLEEP. IT’S TOO EARLY etc. etc.”. I trudged through, grumpily washing veggies which would later be used for lunch. I reacted to pleasant sensations: “Oh WOW THIS PEANUT BUTTER IS SO GOOD!”. I cried and got angry at the teacher when I didn’t understand the technique and the teacher told me not to mix it. I cried and got angry that the teacher didn’t understand my thoughts).

(Now please don’t be afraid if you haven’t served before. I also made wonderful friends that I still speak to today. ^^)

While this sounds like it would be challenging, it was also an amazing learning oppourtunity. It helped me realize that, although I thought this path would be smooth, simple and fast, that it is in fact going to take a while. It was a good hit of reality of how my equanimity was not as perfect as I thought and how easily my ego could be hurt when I wasn’t perfect.

Luckily, I was able to sit the following course and figure out the technique more:

“Ahhh…now I understand equinimity. My next service will be so much better because now I know how not to react” (insert puffed ego here)

My 2nd Service – Mizuho, Japan

I came into Japan with an expectation of my second service – it will be simple. I will simply be chopping/washing some veggies, do some cleaning and practice meditation. Now the thing about being a server is that one is supposed to accept whatever is given as a task as it helps to develop renunciation (of what wants) and also develop tolerance. The thing with Dhamma is that it throws challenges in our face at times.

I was made chef. Dear Lord. (Fine. I accept)

I’m known to be a pretty good cook back at home, but Japanese food? I don’t know how to cook it authentically. “Don’t worry” they said, “there are recipes!”. Too bad the recipes in the Japanese version and English version were totally different. Also, what? The schedule is different from Hong Kong. What? I thought the Dhamma centres were all the same. What? I’m not allowed to adjust the seasoning so it tastes way better? What? There are a lot of leftovers (ouch ego hit – But YOU didn’t let me adjust the seasoning!). What? I can’t use the printer to print off Japanese characters so I can understand what things read around the kitchen? Don’t you understand?????

Looking back, it was a hilarious journey especially when I see how reactive I was to things not going my way or situations that weren’t perfect or organized exactly how I needed them to be

What’s cool is that with each course as a student or server, I can see my equanimity slowly, slowly developing over time and situations that used to make me react, don’t do so as much – I can hold myself back (see 4th serve below). Moving to another benefit of service is how much I learn from old students.

The Teachings from Old(er) Students:

They could see my struggles and spoke with such compassion. When I was irritable that I thought the food wasn’t going to be good and that I couldn’t adjust it, another server reassured me saying “we know you’re a good cook”. Another also explained that we have to purposefully dial down the seasoning because students are extra sensitive to flavours while sitting. I hadn’t realized until that service that I wasn’t simply cooking for the benefit of others. I was cooking for praise. Praise that I’d be told my cooking was amazing, great, delicious…People would love it so much that they ask for the recipe.

That’s the thing though…Everything in life is impermanent. Attachment to praise only brings unhappiness. If it doesn’t happen, I’m upset. If it does happen, I’m elated and want it more, but nothing lasts forever. That cycle brought me into depression in university. I could no longer get the praise from being a great student so I was so unhappy.

The Rice Story – A Lesson in Efficient Teamwork:

Japanese people love rice. We cooked rice at both breakfast and lunch – delicious.

We’re sitting there relaxing at about 10:40am just chatting as we’re all prepared for when lunch is to be served in 20 minutes. Dining room is set. Dishes are ready to be served. We just need to dish the rice out 10 minutes before so it’s nice and hot. Someone gets up to go to the sink.

“…We didn’t press down the rice”

(Complete silence for 5 seconds)

At this point, I expected people to start pointing fingers and blaming the person who was in charge of rice (I mean this is what happens in the outside world right?). Here’s the thing though. It. never. happened. Instead, everyone got up and worked together crazy efficiently.

One person started grabbing leftover rice from the freezer to thaw and cook. Another started boiling water over the stove to cook the rice. One server grabbed the kettles of boiling water to put into the rice cooker so the raw rice would cook faster. There was no blaming, no harsh words. In fact, we laughed! There were kind words said to the one who forgot telling them not to blame themselves and we just moved forward to get the rice going.

It was a wonderful experience and encouraged me so much on this path.

It made me think: “This is the way I want to behave when someone makes a mistake”

“Take a Rest and Go Meditate”

There was one day when I had a disproportionately large reaction to being told I couldn’t use the printer. The other server was so kind about it too: “I’m really so happy that you want to learn Japanese, but it’s only for Dhamma work”. This being told “no” triggered so many past feelings of frustrating and anger even though I knew rationally that he was right and those were the rules.

I remember not even being angry or frustrated at him. It was just a past reaction coming to the surface. Rationally, makes sense. Body and thought-wise though I was in a difficult place.

The thoughts of frustration and anger were overwhelming. I was washing dishes and the thoughts bombarded me of past frustrations. I remember crying over the sink while scrubbing a plate.

Then I recall Goenkaji mentioning that if we have a lot of negativity, that we should absolutely stop working and meditate/rest. I was a bit hesitant to ask for a break though because in the normal world, sometimes it’s not well received. “What if they think I’m lazy?” “What if they’re too exhausted because I have to take a break”.

Ahh…the past conditioning/habit patterns of the mind.

Turns out that my fears were just figments of my imagination. The other servers’ response? “Of course! Go ahead. Take a rest and meditate until lunch. Don’t even worry about clean up – we can handle it.”

Amazing. These are the types of people I want to be surrounded by and become.

Making Friends:

Part of the other reason I love being in this community is that I end up making incredible friendships. After I finished in Japan and (ended up getting a last minute spot as a student in my 3rd course), I stayed back a day to give service and help clean up the Chiba Vipassana Centre. Another server named Hae Rim found out that I was visiting from aboard and let me come to her house to stay for a couple weeks before I went off to Korea. She took me around to visit some Japanese onsens (hot springs), taught me how to make many types of kimchi and we also meditated together twice a day! She’s a very old student who serves regularly (even bought a house near the centre) so it was fascinating to see how she navigates the world.

So incredibly generous, giving, calm and patient. (If this is what long term meditation in this practice will do to me, then I’m all in).

Being taken in by other meditators or being shown around has also happened to me in Hong Kong, Japan, Korea, Malaysia…

My 3rd Serving – Korea (It’s not you…it’s me)

An old student told me in the beginning that serving is always different…and it truly is. Each centre is run differently and, while the practice is the same, each will have slightly different rules and customs because of the culture. Korea was a great experience albeit a bit challenging in the beginning. Servers come from different backgrounds, different cultures, different experiences and we all have to work together.

It’s not easy – remember. We’re in the Dhamma Hospital. The environment is such that our own past reactions are popping up at different moments. Excellent place for sankara (reaction) eradication, but we have to be aware and equanimous.

I met a server in Korea and it was challenging on the first day. We were all so bubbly and chatty and when I tried to start conversation with her, she put her hands together, smiled, said nothing and walked away. Boom! Sankara!

Another time I tried to be friendly, she said there’s no need to talk. Boom! Sankara #2!

Brain flying around with irritation and judgement of how she’s not friendly, she’s rude etc.. Luckily, while our sankaras are booming at the cetnre, it’s also an excellent environment which reminds us to take a stop and observe ourselves. Goenkaji says that if someone upsets us, we should not get angry and instead thank that person for helping to bring up our negativity such that it may be eradicated.

Sighhhhhh….okay fine. I mean, I don’t want to be a negative person who thinks harshly about others. It just makes me more irritated!

Meditation, meditation, meditation. Metta, metta, metta. EXTRA METTA for her (and for me).

After I was able to come out of that negativity, I realize that actually…I love her presence! She was a great worker and I liked the silence in her company! (Hilariously, I reached out and we might go serve together next month in a Korea reunion).

My 3.5ish Serving – Vietnam (Wash the Toilets)

Not all serving has to be during courses full time. After Korea, I went to Vietnam briefly to visit and found that I missed the vipassana centre and my equanimity was slipping so I signed up for a work period.

Each centre is different and each team is different. Here I met Vy who aimed for silence in the kitchen (Queue initial irritation, but then love and gratitude for the silence over time).

It was a challenging serve because the workload is heavier. There was less rest than at other centres and washing dishes was while squatting on the floor. Washing dishes in that manner was different than MY system. Also, before the course started, Vy told me my job was to wash the toilets.

“The nerve of her! You all are in the kitchen and you put me in the…oh wait. We’re supposed to accept whatever. Fine. I go wash toilets” (Turns out my negativity transformed into gratitude and I ended up enjoying scrubbing the toilets).

After toilets are done…

Me: “What can I do in the kitchen?”

Vy: “Please wash the dishes”

Me: …*goes to wash dishes*

Thoughts: “The nerve of her! You all are peeling veggies and cooking and you send me to was-…..oh wait…accept whatever”

By the end of this dishwashing, I was unusually happy. Follow the rules of the centre and the recommendation and become happy. Hmm…Dhamma works…

(Ironically, I reached out to Vy when I came back to Vietnam and we connected again! Funny…some of my friendships come from the hardest reactions…)

My 4th Serving – Malaysia (Wrong Jello Dish!)

It was day 9 and we were preparing the jello for day 10 or rather, someone asked me to prepare the jello because the chef was busy.

There I was preparing the jello and then the chef comes over to me and says “Why you use that dish? I told you to use this dish? Why are you using that pot?”.

Queue reaction.

I was so angry.

Thoughts: “Who are YOU to speak to me in that way?” “You were busy so I’m helping you!”

I walked away.

Help from ATs during Service:

Giving service is learning how to apply meditation in real life. No matter what situation, unwanted things are bound to occur. Service is a training ground for life. What I’ve practiced at the meditation centre in terms of speaking kindly, being patient, observing unpleasantness etc. gets translated to my normal life.

After the jello situation, I walked away and cried in frustration in my room. I spoke to the AT later wholeheartedly expecting her to side with me and say the other person was out of line.

AT: “You were incorrect. You reacted. Instead you need to pause and ask “why” calmly.”

I guess Mom was right…I’m not always right.

My 5th Service – Back to Vietnam (Serving in Quiet)

Tried serving in quiet. You can read about it in this blog post:

Blog Post #28: Vietnam – Serving in Quiet

Serving is Like Learning to Drive a Car:

What can I say? Serving is like learning to drive a car. Being a student is like reading the manual and studying and serving is driving in a parking lot. Serving and asking ATs questions as they arise is like having a driving instructor with you in the car to tell you when to hit the breaks, accelerate etc. so that you can learn to drive without an AT around.

Concluding Thoughts:

Anyway, I’m off now to Dhamma Malaya. This service will be a little different as I’m helping to make a video for the centre during the 10 day course. Always different…always anicca.

Btw, you don’t need to only serve 10 day courses. You can also serve remotely (I work on videos for some centres or proofread things in English) and other students help with 1-day courses, children’s courses or go to the centre to help briefly for a maintenance period. If you want to serve, just reach out to your local Dhamma Centre! There is always plenty of oppourtunities.

With metta,

Tracy