Read time: 7 minutes
TLDR:
- Getting an extreme change to your outward appearance can help identify who you want to be
- Not all decisions made in emotional states are bad
- Gender identity is a spectrum. There’s not just male and female (Lols..who knew?)
The pre-amble:
I used to think that I should never drastically change my hair while emotional. Ie. after a breakup, a bad test, a fight with a friend…but after this experience, I actually see it as such a wonderful place of expression and growth.
Now don’t get me wrong. There have been times when I decided it would be an excellent idea to give myself bangs right before a date or before leaving for work because I “needed a change”. Hilariously (and not surprisingly), those were the days when my bangs ended up a little too short or somewhat crooked because I wasn’t taking my time. My takeaway? Don’t cut your own hair if you’re in a rush or your hair doesn’t grow quickly. Luckily, mine does, so the “baby bangs” phase only did last a couple of weeks.
So yes…back to the benefits of emotional haircuts. A couple days ago, I woke up exhausted from a 15km hike day (not the norm, let me tell you) and my brain was in “brainhive” mode. Thoughts buzzing around everywhere. I was also just starting with a new counsellor and her intake form asked which pronouns I wanted to use. I’d never been asked before and, for some reason, she/her didn’t feel all that right that day…they/them felt better. I looked at myself in the mirror and BAM! I wanted to try something different. Something non-binary.
Why I chopped it and what I did:
3 reasons: not wanting to be perceived (very typical of neurodivergent folks), not wanting to feel limited by others by having a female label (also very typical of NDs) and sometimes, I just don’t want to be a female. Ladies, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
My Options:
- Play it safe: go with a bob which can always be cut further
- Go extreme: get myself a super short non-binary haircut and see how it feels
…You probably know from the title that I went with option B.
*Snip Snip* *Buzzzzzz* *more BUZZZZZZ*
BIG change! I definitely look more androgynous which was exciting and surprisingly…
…didn’t feel quite right.
My hair chopping reflection:
I realized I had gone too far to one end of the gender identity spectrum. I liked the process and feeling of having shorter hair, but I realized that right now I still wanted to look more feminine. I liked my smile with a softer haircut and I didn’t want to look so androgynous (even though that’s what I was going for originally).
At this point my brainhive was swirling with negative thoughts. “I can’t believe you did this while you were emotional!” “You weren’t even thinking!”. And yes, sometime I do feel a pang of regret or sadness when I see I went too short, but I also realize it still feels a lot more like me than I did with long hair. (Long hair was more of me masking into what I thought was more socially acceptable as a female rather than what I wanted. That, and organizing a haircut was more brainpower than I wanted to use most days)
Derailing thoughts aside, I also realized that this haircut gave me another puzzle piece to my identity:
I’d wondered at times whether I wanted to be female and this more extreme and deliberate change helped me see that yes, I still do want to look female, but just not quite so girly. Gender identity is a spectrum. If I had stayed only in my comfort zone and played it safe, I would probably be left still wondering and asking “what if” or “do I want to be a girl?”
Now where does this leave me now? I had a haircut that was too “boyish” for me so I was a bit disappointed until my friend KD put it excellently:
“It may take time to find the right expression to go with your identity”.
Didn’t know what I thought before, but this “finding out who I am” is not something that’ll change overnight or with a single haircut. It’ll take time, trials, exploration and extremes to figure out what feels like me and who I am. And even so, once I have it part figured out, it might change the next day because OH WOW, identity is not something that’s stagnant. Now aren’t you mindblown.
That’s pretty much it for now and don’t forget that hair is not permanent. Do something wild, chop it off or add some colour! Don’t worry…it’ll definitely grow…just like I did.
…Damn that was cheesy.
Love,
T
PS: I know you’re a curious one so here’s me with the chop
World of Wandering Minds 